BEING ALONE BUT NOT LONELY

Reprint of Article in Sixty and Me

BY ANTHONY CIRILLO APRIL 07, 2023 LIFESTYLE

I wrote an article for Sixty and Me on loneliness, which, for some reason, gathered a number of comments. The consensus – you can be alone but not lonely.

From Valerie, “I love to be alone and I’m getting tired of constantly hearing about socializing as if liking solitude is a fatal flaw!”

Jen added, “I am happier in my own company, doing my own thing. I read that people live longer if married but that is the last thing I want & I’d rather be happy & die young. I am tired of ads which promote ‘spending time with family,’ ‘fun for all the family’, etc. Go away!”

Janne concluded, “I too wish that there were articles taking this into account. Many people enjoy their own company and even more so as they age. We are continually presented with information that says we shouldn’t be doing this, that we need to be socially interactive – if you have happily been this way all of your life, I see no need to change!”

OK, I get it. Because I am very much like these women. Being a speaker and performer, I know when to be on, but I also cherish the alone time. That is why I think I did so much better adjusting to pandemic life than my wife. Turns out, this topic is not a new one.

Physical State versus Emotional State

Sharon Melin, MA, an Outpatient Therapist, notes that “We sometimes associate ‘being alone’ with ‘being lonely’, and it is important to realize that there is a difference. Being “alone” is a physical state where you are physically by yourself. Being ‘lonely’ is an emotional state where you are feeling alone or disconnected from others – even when they’re right next to you.”

I recently conducted a focus group with activity professionals in assisted living. One person, who heads activities for a well-to-do organization, who conducts many activities, and has many bells and whistles solutions to choose from, relayed that a recent survey of residents reported that the number one issue among those living there was feeling alone. That in a vibrant senior living community.

Wait There’s a Solution… or Is There?

Most articles that address this topic are quick to point to solutions to “cure” you of your loneliness. Fill your house with music, take walks, practice gratitude, get a hobby. All fine things.

However, they may be missing the point.

Sure, chronic loneliness that leads to depression that leads to physical ailments due to stress need to be addressed. However, as noted above, some people are just fine to be alone.

The Art of Being Alone

There are actually studies on how to be alone in a healthy way. Actually, being alone is a great opportunity to get to know yourself.

Experts recommend some of the following.

Enjoy Solitary Activities

I love this one because I am a solo musician. I have spent countless hours in my studio recording or in my garage rehearsing. It is therapeutic, not to mention all the side benefits that music provides for your mind and emotional state. You need never be bored because you are by yourself.

Go Out on a Date with Yourself

I am perfectly content going somewhere for a bite to eat or going to a movie all by myself. Honestly, I can observe more, learn more, and enjoy the solitude of a crowded place.

Don’t Let the Demons Creep in

Sometimes too much alone time causes over-thinking. In the solitude, buried emotions, memories, or problems can surface. It’s OK to be curious about these emotions and to explore them. For me though, the thoughts never seem to be good ones.

So I have to keep having the “You’re Good Enough, You’re Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You” loop in my head. People call this rumination, which is different than introspection. It’s OK to spend time reflecting on your values or contemplating the bigger picture.

Embrace Self-Care

Yes, the gurus suggest meditation and yoga. But here’s the thing. Don’t be a couch potato. Stay moving. If that means exercise, fine. If that means knitting, fine. Just stay active in the solitude. Scrolling on social media or watching television may feel restorative after a stressful day at work or it may distract you from more fulfilling pursuits.

Balance It Out

You may not be by nature a solitary person. However, even the most social people should heed the warnings when it’s time to withdraw a bit. If the outside world starts to overstimulate you – too many people, activities, or demands – recognize the signals.

Maybe you’re anxious. Maybe a panic attack is imminent. Your body will send predictable signals indicating you need some time alone. It is equally important to know when it’s time to leave solitude and seek the company of others. It’s possible to be alone for too long.

P.S. Oh yeah, if you want to be able to interact with others even when at home, consider online live courses or entertainment options like my own Sage Stream.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you feel it’s good for you to be among others – or do you prefer to be by yourself most of the time? What do you do when in solitude? What does alone time give you?